Lucifer's Mansion, Sunday Night

[okteiviakom]

Octavia had been feeling kind of... restless, this week. But keeping it to herself, because Duke had been having a rougher time, and anyway, it was fine. This feeling came and went, and Octavia was used to it.

(Though it really would have been great if Dr. Baker had been able to squeeze her in during some other time this week, after the regular Tuesday session got cancelled.)

It was Sunday now, anyway. Food and cider and hopefully a good time? Octavia had even channeled some of her twitchiness into prepping dessert, earlier. "The fruit's all ready in the fridge," she said, as she got up to clear away the dinner plates. "The white chocolate on them should have set by now."

Spoken like she actually knew anything and hadn't just grabbed the instructions from Google this morning.

[ooc: For the guy.]

Comments

[my_own_advocate]

"It doesn't matter," Lucifer said. "The bloody madness of Hell is all these humans storming the gates, demanding to be let in because they're upset with themselves for-- not feeding their puppy or having a bad day in front of their children or just being moderately annoying for a longer period of time. And then they punish themselves forever for some stupid lapse of judgment while real, unrepentant villains walk away untouched."

Right. He should probably get to the bit where this was relevant, wasn't it?

"There has to be a sense of justice to the universe," he said. "We can't just go around condemning people to suffer and die because they were a let down. That's not a crime. That's just-- most humans being a bit shit a lot of the time."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia could not follow how that was relevant, alas. 'I love you because you are different' was one of several things still hanging heavy over this conversation, and for reasons Octavia couldn't really put into words.

"None of that matters."

Not helpful and she knew it, but the most helpful thing she was currently doing was not running away somewhere else to wait for this feeling to pass - and even that was on thin ice right now.

[my_own_advocate]

She'd heard that one very differently from how he'd intended it, hadn't she?

"You saving human lives because they didn't deserve to die doesn't matter?" Lucifer asked, frowning. "What does, then?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia had heard a lot of things differently from how he'd intended them. Was continuing to, even.

"What, when -- No, all of that about Hell and justice doesn't matter." Her face was scrunching up hard, not that he could probably see more than a sliver of it. "It's not about that."

And she had just enough of her faculties to know what question would be coming next if she left it at that.

"It's about -- about feeling worthless because someone ancient, someone who's seen so much of us, doesn't see more good in us."

[my_own_advocate]

There was-- a long pause, and a blink (not that she could see it), and then, finally, a, "I think you're reading rather more into this than I intended for there to be, love."

[okteiviakom]

"I can't help it!"

But that much had probably already become clear.

[my_own_advocate]

"I noticed." Lucifer's grip tightened yet a little more. "To somewhat echo your earlier point, however, 'disappointing' and 'worthless' are two very different things," he said. "In fact, I'd argue it's rather hard to be disappointed in something you find worthless. Setting aside context, which was about your desserts, and where I would personally say that someone cooking a ribeye well-done was already disappointing... when I am disappointed on some larger scale, it is because I am aware of the great heights humans can reach."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia still felt a little sick, and was finding it hard to put together any sort of an argument when everything was so muddled.

But he was holding her tighter. His chest was warm against her back, even through all the clothes, and the press of his body against hers was a soothing thing.

Something in her shoulders finally gave in, with a shudder. "Go on," she muttered weakly.

[my_own_advocate]

"You and Duke are prime examples of it," Lucifer murmured. "As are the Detective, and Linda, and several other humans I've met just in the past decade or so."

He sucked in a breath. (Hoping not to muck this up.) "Take you, for example. Put in impossible circumstances. Plunged so low. And yet here you are, striving to be better, finding new spaces in your heart to fit others in, learning how to do things you might otherwise have no interest in because you want me to be happy. You may not always succeed at what you try to do, but you try. Many humans don't. That is disappointing. Because I look at you, and I see so much goodness, and I know other humans are perfectly capable of it."

[okteiviakom]

He should count himself lucky Octavia let him keep talking beyond 'take you, for example'.

"We already covered why you think I am -- special." It wasn't the right word, but it would have to do. "I don't want to feel like an exception."

Especially when she knew she wasn't one, not by a long shot.

(Every ghost of her past so close to the surface.)

[my_own_advocate]

"I named at least three other people, and I haven't exactly met every single human." Lucifer was struggling not to sound exasperated. "More importantly, why does it matter?"

[okteiviakom]

"Because three is nothing."

[my_own_advocate]

"They are not nothing to me," Lucifer said.

Found his exasperation snapping into actual hurt and frustration.

"I am not an almighty arbiter of humankind, Octavia, nor the judge, jury and executioner my Father tried to make of me. I am a person. There are people I find special and there are people I find disappointing, and if you are looking for some grand proclamation of human goodness where you are just another face among many, I'll direct you to Amenadiel, that sounds like much more his kink."

[okteiviakom]

Well.

Octavia tried to shove away from him.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer held on.

Letting her run off alone didn't seem like a grand idea, either.

[okteiviakom]

For some reason, Octavia hadn't expected that.

She tried again, but it lacked... something. The fervor and intent of that first attempt.

[my_own_advocate]

"Octavia, please calm down."

He hadn't let go, yet.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia objcted, with a helpless noise in her throat.

Stopped struggling, though. That second attempt had been like pressing against a wall to check it would hold, anyway.

[my_own_advocate]

"What is going on?" Lucifer asked. "This can't just be about me refusing to call you 'just another human'."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shook her head.

"It didn't need to be about goodness," she said, voice quieter now but still a little agitated. "I wasn't asking -- the King of Hell, I was asking you, you who came back to Earth so many times over our entire history. You came here for reasons and it wasn't just to be disappointed over and over until you happened to meet me and Duke and Linda and your Detective."

A breath.

"It didn't need to be about goodness, Lucifer, but I did need to hear something good."

[my_own_advocate]

"No, I came here to have brief stretches of fun and distraction from my endless imprisonment, and while I was here, many humans came to me asking favors, and most of them were disappointing," Lucifer sighed. "Some of them were not, but I didn't particularly see the sense in listing them. How many context-free names would you need, exactly, to be satisfied?"

He was still a bit sore about the whole 'if you find most humans disappointing, then that must mean I'm worthless' bit, yes.

[okteiviakom]

So it wasn't just her hearing things in ways they weren't intended.

"Forget it," Octavia said, on a sigh that sounded just... sad. "We're not getting anywhere, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. You don't see the sense in talking to me about things I needed, so what's the point in going on?"

[my_own_advocate]

"I just don't understand what you want from me," Lucifer sighed. "To tell you not all humans I've met were terrible? I already have."

[okteiviakom]

"Somewhere in the middle of saying 'disappointing' twenty-five times," Octavia muttered.

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't always experience the best of what humanity had to offer," Lucifer said irritably. "I have met good people. Usually fleetingly, because as you might recall, I didn't usually get to be here for very long periods of time, among many other factors."