The Deck of the Cape Rouge, Port of Fandom, Friday Afternoon

[okteiviakom]

Octavia knew there was a Parents Weekend thing happening in town right now. She was still undecided on whether she wanted to put in an appearance, because on one hand, last year's had led to some bad times for her. On the other... There was some small part of her that hoped, no matter how foolishly, that maybe Gloria would somehow show up.

(There was just so much she wanted to tell her. And so much fear that she would never get to.)

So far, for her trek through town after her usual Friday routine of therapy and swimming out in New York, she had steered clear of the park. She had a big bag from a shoe store to get home, anyway. See, there'd been some talk of those early days on the Ground in her session today, and then she'd taken a slightly different route from her usual in getting to the portal place, and she'd seen the boots in a store window, and, well. She'd never been able to resist a good symbol. Especially one as personal as this, appearing at just the right time for it to feel a little like something else than just pure coincidence.

(Even with how mired in complications that thought was for her, these days. For reasons she had still not discussed with Dr. Baker at all.)

And even as she stepped aboard the Rouge, she was still wondering whether she should've just taken her purchase on the Samsara instead, and buried them in her closet. The urge to share and the urge to keep it to herself felt equal.

Maybe she'd shove them in a closet here, instead.

[ooc: Open, though slow.]

Comments

[okteiviakom]

Octavia took a slow breath in. Then let it out.

Okay.

"What do you want to tell me?" she asked, looking up at him again, if through her lashes. That would help, right? Asking? To get them back on something resembling a track.

[betterthanaplan]

"That I'm freaking out," Duke said softly. He took a deep breath, tugging gently at the lock of hair in his face. "I'm worried about my Haven people, and the longer we go without hearing from them, the worse it gets. And -- now that we're not all wrapped up in Lucifer's stuff, it's all just, like. Shoving itself to the front of my mind."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's hand reached up before she'd even really thought about whether it should, to try and catch the hand tugging at his hair.

"The calm doesn't last ever last forever, does it?" she muttered.

[betterthanaplan]

"I really want to be able to just -- relax and enjoy it," Duke said, looking at her. Letting her take his hand. "Especially if it's not going to last. But . . . I guess that's not something you can make yourself do."

[okteiviakom]

"Yeah, that's not how it works, jaka," Octavia agreed, holding his hand between both of hers. "You don't just forget."

Said a woman who'd been hardcore repressing certain things for weeks now.

[betterthanaplan]

"I've been beating myself up for that," Duke admitted. "Especially since I know you and Lucifer would hate that I'm worrying about Audrey."

[okteiviakom]

"Yeah, well," Octavia said, her tone a little more carefully bland, now. "We can't help the way we feel about her..."

She trailed off, then went ahead with the rest of it.

"Not any more than you can."

(It still hurt.)

[betterthanaplan]

"I wish you could see her like I do," Duke said, looking out over the water. "I know why you can't, and I get it. And I'm not -- she and Nathan are clearly destined for each other and I'm not picturing a full interdimensional polycule here. But I still love her. And Nathan. And it kills me not knowing what happened to them or to my town. To Gloria and my Dwight and Bill and Megan and everyone else back there."

[okteiviakom]

No wonder Octavia had never managed to fully process how much she missed Gloria. It was too wrapped up in this, the same feeling that only barely allowed her to hear the rest of what he was saying past 'I still love her'.

She didn't say anything. She didn't feel allowed to say any of what wanted to come out.

She was just biting on the inside of her lip (maybe a little pain would stop her eyes stinging, somehow) and hoping he would keep his eyes on the water and not come back to her face, because he wasn't going to like the tremble in it.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke might not like it, but he did see it. He shifted his hand so he could give hers a squeeze.

"Hey. I'm not leaving you for her. You know that, right?"

He couldn't even be surprised, how quickly advocating for his own issues had turned into comforting her through her reaction to them. This was why he kept quiet, dammit.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia looked down at their hands. She really, really wanted to gently put his hand back on his lap and pull hers away, but she knew how that would look.

So instead she tried to just breathe through this, trying to get to some thought she could voice that wouldn't just hurt him.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke would not have handled that well, no. Not that he was handling her silence all that well, either.

"Jesus, Tavi, she's probably dead. You don't have to feel threatened, here."

[okteiviakom]

It was getting harder not to drop his hand.

Octavia still hadn't raised her gaze again. "Please don't do that," she said, as evenly as she could. (So... not very.) "I don't tell you what to feel. Or what you feel."

[betterthanaplan]

That was alright. He was dropping it for her. Leaning forward, his elbows propped on his knees. Staring out at the water again. "You never tell me anything."

He had the sudden urge to get up and just -- dive off the side. Cast and all. What would even happen? He'd have to get it replaced? Might be worth it, just to get a moment to escape. . . .

[okteiviakom]

Well, Octavia would yell at him. That would happen.

She pulled her hands back into her lap and shrank away from him, like the severing of that connection was that severe. (She'd been right not to do it. It didn't feel good from this side, either.) "That's not fair," she muttered, "and you know it."

[betterthanaplan]

Yelling might be preferred, right now.

Duke hunched further into himself, pressing his face into his hands. The edge of the cast was rough and stank faintly of sweat and motor oil, but he didn't care.

How did this always happen? Whenever he tried to talk to her about what he needed, it turned into an argument. Was it him? It had to be him, right?

[okteiviakom]

In this case, it was more like their poor handling of an earlier mess was coming back to haunt them now that there was a fresher, connected one.

Octavia's hands were trembling. She pressed them to her knees and drew a deep, shuddering breath, noisier than she would have liked. "I'm sorry you don't know what happened to everyone," she said, because that seemed like the safest of her warring thoughts. "I know what that's like, and it's awful."

No one had asked her whether she still thought about her p-- the people, maybe still on ice up on Eligius IV, and she mostly preferred it that way. Didn't mean the answer wasn't yes.

[betterthanaplan]

Oh hey. And there was the guilt again.

"I want to be able to talk to you about it. About her. Without you shutting down."

[okteiviakom]

"I want to be able to talk to you about it, too," Octavia replied, maybe a little helpless. "I have someone stuck there, too."

Someone whose absence she was really feeling right now. Stupid fucking Parents Weekend.

"But her, Duke, that's -- it still hurts."

[betterthanaplan]

"Why?" Duke asked, soft and a little desperate. "You gotta tell me because every time I guess you get pissed."

[okteiviakom]

"I don't know."

Okay, that was the kneejerk answer. Octavia was going to work past it, with another strangled breath. Her nails were digging into her knees.

One more breath, then, a little more even: "Because you didn't tell me you weren't happy just being with me before Lucifer accidentally made you, and it's like the next thing I knew, you were flirting with her right in front of me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke blinked.

". . . Wait, what?"

That was not at all what he expected.

[okteiviakom]

Hey, ditto.

He was getting such a genuine look of confusion right back. "What do you mean, 'what'?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Tavi, that was . . . forever ago."

He couldn't even say a year for sure. He'd had several extra months in that year.

[okteiviakom]

"Yes," Octavia agreed, something hardening in her expression a little. "Yes, it was."