The Deck of the Cape Rouge, Port of Fandom, Friday Afternoon

[okteiviakom]

Octavia knew there was a Parents Weekend thing happening in town right now. She was still undecided on whether she wanted to put in an appearance, because on one hand, last year's had led to some bad times for her. On the other... There was some small part of her that hoped, no matter how foolishly, that maybe Gloria would somehow show up.

(There was just so much she wanted to tell her. And so much fear that she would never get to.)

So far, for her trek through town after her usual Friday routine of therapy and swimming out in New York, she had steered clear of the park. She had a big bag from a shoe store to get home, anyway. See, there'd been some talk of those early days on the Ground in her session today, and then she'd taken a slightly different route from her usual in getting to the portal place, and she'd seen the boots in a store window, and, well. She'd never been able to resist a good symbol. Especially one as personal as this, appearing at just the right time for it to feel a little like something else than just pure coincidence.

(Even with how mired in complications that thought was for her, these days. For reasons she had still not discussed with Dr. Baker at all.)

And even as she stepped aboard the Rouge, she was still wondering whether she should've just taken her purchase on the Samsara instead, and buried them in her closet. The urge to share and the urge to keep it to herself felt equal.

Maybe she'd shove them in a closet here, instead.

[ooc: Open, though slow.]

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[okteiviakom]

Well, Octavia would yell at him. That would happen.

She pulled her hands back into her lap and shrank away from him, like the severing of that connection was that severe. (She'd been right not to do it. It didn't feel good from this side, either.) "That's not fair," she muttered, "and you know it."

[betterthanaplan]

Yelling might be preferred, right now.

Duke hunched further into himself, pressing his face into his hands. The edge of the cast was rough and stank faintly of sweat and motor oil, but he didn't care.

How did this always happen? Whenever he tried to talk to her about what he needed, it turned into an argument. Was it him? It had to be him, right?

[okteiviakom]

In this case, it was more like their poor handling of an earlier mess was coming back to haunt them now that there was a fresher, connected one.

Octavia's hands were trembling. She pressed them to her knees and drew a deep, shuddering breath, noisier than she would have liked. "I'm sorry you don't know what happened to everyone," she said, because that seemed like the safest of her warring thoughts. "I know what that's like, and it's awful."

No one had asked her whether she still thought about her p-- the people, maybe still on ice up on Eligius IV, and she mostly preferred it that way. Didn't mean the answer wasn't yes.

[betterthanaplan]

Oh hey. And there was the guilt again.

"I want to be able to talk to you about it. About her. Without you shutting down."

[okteiviakom]

"I want to be able to talk to you about it, too," Octavia replied, maybe a little helpless. "I have someone stuck there, too."

Someone whose absence she was really feeling right now. Stupid fucking Parents Weekend.

"But her, Duke, that's -- it still hurts."

[betterthanaplan]

"Why?" Duke asked, soft and a little desperate. "You gotta tell me because every time I guess you get pissed."

[okteiviakom]

"I don't know."

Okay, that was the kneejerk answer. Octavia was going to work past it, with another strangled breath. Her nails were digging into her knees.

One more breath, then, a little more even: "Because you didn't tell me you weren't happy just being with me before Lucifer accidentally made you, and it's like the next thing I knew, you were flirting with her right in front of me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke blinked.

". . . Wait, what?"

That was not at all what he expected.

[okteiviakom]

Hey, ditto.

He was getting such a genuine look of confusion right back. "What do you mean, 'what'?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Tavi, that was . . . forever ago."

He couldn't even say a year for sure. He'd had several extra months in that year.

[okteiviakom]

"Yes," Octavia agreed, something hardening in her expression a little. "Yes, it was."

[betterthanaplan]

"I thought we'd . . . handled all that."

[okteiviakom]

"I can see that."

And it was somehow even more upsetting. That he could fling the idea of her feeling threatened in her face and still think any of this had been handled when it had been fresh.

"But we didn't." Yeah, he'd probably figured that out by now, Tavi. "And some of that's on me, I know. I didn't talk about it. But I was also convinced you were gonna figure out you deserved someone better --"

And deep down, she still wasn't convinced he didn't deserve someone better.

"-- so I wasn't going to go digging around something that might prove me right. And do you remember the things you told me once we actually talked about it?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Not . . . off the top of my head," Duke muttered.

He was still tempted to throw himself off the side of the boat, yeah. To just -- get away from this conversation, because no matter what Linda had said, he felt like he was inches from sending the jenga tower of their relationship toppling down.

[okteiviakom]

"You made it sound like not wanting to be monogamous was just about you missing sleeping with guys."

Yeah. There was that.

[betterthanaplan]

"Ah." Duke nodded. Shoved his hand into his hair again. "Right. Well. Not sure if you've noticed this, but I have this tendency to try to . . . underplay things. To make them, I don't know, easier for other people to swallow."

Like turning around and telling Lucifer that he was cool if they kept it casual, and accidentally mixing signals like crazy until Lucifer thought he was going nuts.

[okteiviakom]

"You lied to me."

It didn't sound accusatory. Just factual. Because he had, in his quest to soften the blow.

"And I believed you."

[betterthanaplan]

"I think . . . I was lying to myself, too."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shrugged. Yeah, probably. "That's why it hurts so much."

That was remarkably even for something that had so much emotion behind it.

[betterthanaplan]

"I don't know why I'm built . . . this way," Duke said. Barely managing not to say he was built wrong. "And I'm sorry that it hurts you. That -- I hurt you."

[okteiviakom]

It didn't feel as good to have that acknowledged as Octavia might have hoped.

She finally let her gaze droop to her lap, and shook her head.

"You know, I'd even gotten her a birthday present," she said, quieter. "By the time I could've actually given it to her, after all the chameleon bullshit, I didn't want to anymore."

[betterthanaplan]

"My shit isn't her fault," Duke said softly. "She doesn't --"

That was a lie. Duke stopped himself before he even started, and made himself look at Octavia.

"We maybe could have been something. In some other universe, where I didn't have you and Luce. But I do. And she's in love with Nathan. And none of this has ever been about you not being 'enough'."

[okteiviakom]

"I really wish you wouldn't keep saying that about her and Nathan like it's supposed to be reassuring," Octavia admitted in a mutter, looking away again. "If the rest is true, it shouldn't even factor into anything. It shouldn't matter."

She wasn't proud of feeling like that rubbed her the wrong way, no. But she was trying to be honest here.

(Felt like this might be her only chance to be that about this.)

[betterthanaplan]

Duke winced, looking away. At the water. Down at his hands. Wondered how any of this was supposed to make either of them healthier.

"In a perfect world, I wish I could have all four of you. But we both know that's not the world we live in. Any of the worlds we live in."

[okteiviakom]

Maybe through making them actually face some things that had been left to fester for a full year.

"And in this imperfect world," Octavia muttered, "you just have me and him." She looked down at her feet, saw the bag again.

The sign the boots had seemed like this morning was feeling a little more like a cruel joke, right now.