An Island Somewhere Off the Coast, Thursday

[okteiviakom]

Wednesday had made it two weeks that Octavia, Duke and Lucifer had been out at sea on the OceaNyx. Things on Fandom had gone back to normal, according to Eric's texts on Tuesday, but they were still out here.

Octavia was pretty sure everyone agreed that their second week had been much worse than the first. What she wasn't sure about was whether the others were finding being on the boat to have gotten as suffocating now as she was. The only times she felt like she could really breathe was when they docked at one of the random islands.

Like at this one, right now.

She was sitting at what could charitably be referred to as a tiny stretch of beach, her shoes off, just her toes in the water. It was a grounding, sensory thing.

There had been such little room for screaming in the past week.

[ooc: NFB due to distance, open to the guys and for texts/calls.]

Comments

[betterthanaplan]

"Because this is all my fault!" Duke yelled back. He spun away, fisting his hands on top of his hat. "I did this to -- to all of us. So yeah, I'm the one who should have to clean it up!"

[okteiviakom]

"No, what you're doing is pushing me away."

There was a difference. Quite a big one, in Octavia's book.

[betterthanaplan]

"Because everything I do hurts you! I get retroubled, you blame yourself. I let myself fall apart, and you fall apart harder. So I try to deal with things, and that messes you up, too? I can't win, Tavi, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore!"

[okteiviakom]

This situation was just finding new ways to be hurtful, now. Octavia hated it.

Her voice went much lower, and more measured, and more precise. "All I needed," she said, "was any indication that you'd let me help figure out how to be safe without anyone getting isolated."

Her lips were a thin line.

"Any at all that you weren't just going to do whatever you, and only you, think is best. Again."

[betterthanaplan]

"Then -- fuck, Tavi, just say that! At least when Lucifer gets pissed at me, I know why."

Because he hadn't wanted to kill an infant. (That was not what Lucifer was mad at Duke about.)

"I don't know how to do this. I am making it up as I go along."

This was the longest, most consistent relationship he'd ever had in his life at this point. He really, truly did not know how to handle any of it.

[okteiviakom]

"Listening would have been a good start."

Octavia knew only a fraction about what Lucifer had been telling him after she'd slipped out of earshot (slipped out, calm and quiet and soft, not stormed out), and yet she could tell none of it had landed.

And that was only one conversation.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke closed his eyes, hands still on his hat. "Okay. I'm listening now. What do you want to do?"

[okteiviakom]

"I want to figure out how to get this fucking trouble to back off," Octavia replied, in that same even tone, "so I can try to get my boyfriend back."

No, that wasn't one of her words.

But she was trying to speak his language, trying to make a point.

[betterthanaplan]

That word felt a little like an attack. Duke swallowed it back and opened his eyes.

"I'm open to suggestions."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shook her head, the barest minimum of movement.

Voice gone even quieter. "I don't believe you."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke flinched.

He took a long breath in through his nose, and dropped his hands from his hat.

Didn't say anything. Because he was listening.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia took a few slow breaths, too. This was the closest to him she'd felt all week. Because right now she at least had his attention.

She hoped she did, anyway.

"No one asked you not to be careful," she said. "But you seemed to forget I could be careful with you."

Something hurtful in that, too.

[betterthanaplan]

He hadn't wanted her to have to.

He didn't say that, though. He gave a faint nod instead.

[okteiviakom]

That wasn't his choice to make.

"I think," Octavia continued, slowly, "that sometimes you also forget who I am. I've done worse things than you've ever even seen. And I'm not saying that like I think it's a competition. It's just facts."

Cold and hard and uncomfortable, as facts often were.

"I'm saying it because there's nothing you can do that I can't handle, if I can... feel like I'm getting some kind of a say in the things that affect me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke had the urge to tuck his hands away again. He curled them into fists instead.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia watched his hands. Waited for a second to see if he planned to answer in any other way.

And when nothing came, added, "You were scared, you still are, I get it. But you took that away from me."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke nodded again, a little larger this time. Closed his eyes.

Tried to find space inside himself past everything else to properly process what she was saying.

“I don’t know how to do this,” he said again. “I don’t know how to — be this way. Be dangerous and still care about people. People I love.”

He wasn’t entirely sure how to be around people he loved, period. He felt like he’d been faking it for ages and just got caught.

[okteiviakom]

"You don't need to know it on your own," Octavia said. Quiet and mild but maybe a little softer? Tired. "You have us. If you just let us."

[betterthanaplan]

“That’s just it,” Duke said, head twitching to the side. “I don’t know how.”

And fuck. That was it, wasn’t it. He didn’t know how to let them. How to put his guard back down.

So he hurt everyone he touched.

[okteiviakom]

Not everyone.

"Maybe you should let Lucifer touch you, at least," Octavia said. "For a start."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke opened his mouth, but closed it again and nodded.

She wasn’t asking for an explanation. She wanted him to listen.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was so tired of him doing that.

"Just say whatever you want to say."

Even if she already had what seemed like a likely guess, and she hated it already.

[betterthanaplan]

See? This was how much he didn’t know how to do this.

“It doesn’t seem fair. To get that close with him right now when I can’t with you.”

[okteiviakom]

Well, Octavia didn't hate this answer as much as what she'd thought she was getting, so that was a point in his favor.

"The answer isn't to push him away, too," she said, sounding a little like she was suppressing a sigh. "If you need my blessing, you can have it."

[betterthanaplan]

“Then, I’ll . . . give a shot.” He didn’t really think permission was what was missing there, though. “No promises. I except to try.”