Lucifer's Mansion, Friday Evening

[okteiviakom]

A lot could happen in a week. Like Octavia doing a 180 on what she considered an appropriate venue for her and Duke's inaugural date night. Not that they hadn't had date nights before (although ones Octavia had probably refused to call that, with her own internal rules about language), but there were date nights, and there were date nights.

There were random events, and there were the beginnings of traditions.

(Hopeful ones, anyway.)

So there Octavia was, already at the house. She'd thought about cooking something herself, maybe paella like Lucifer had taught her to make once, but had ultimately decided against it. This all felt new enough as it was, without adding the unknown factor of her cooking into it.

The trusty Thai she'd ordered had arrived a moment or two ago, and was now sitting on the coffee table in the living room.

Now all she needed was her date.

[ooc: For that guy. No, not that one, the other one.]

Comments

[okteiviakom]

The silence turned defeaning soon enough.

And then Octavia's free hand went up to her forehead, to rub at the spot between her eyebrows, and, "I'm not sure anymore where this went so wrong." Something quietly frustrated in her voice.

[betterthanaplan]

"This conversation?" Duke asked gently. "Or us?"

[okteiviakom]

"Conversation."

Whatever, if anything, was wrong with them was less drastic to her. And also easier to trace back to its roots.

[betterthanaplan]

"I don't know," Duke admitted. "I just wanted to know what makes you feel safe. And . . . if I can do anything. Which -- it kind of feels like the answer to that second one is a pretty hard 'no'."

[okteiviakom]

"Pretty sure it was earlier than that," Octavia muttered, still rubbing her face. "Anyway, you do get that it's a really specific kind of safe in a really specific kind of situation, right?"

[betterthanaplan]

"That's . . . not what I meant," Duke said. "That second question, I meant, like, anything I could do. Sex or not, kink or not. If just . . . sitting here and talking makes you feel safe, I want to know about that."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia dropped her hand, and blinked at him.

And frowned.

"You don't think I just... feel safe with you, all the time, in general?"

[betterthanaplan]

"I don't know!" Duke said helplessly. "I know you love me, but other than that -- I'm not sure of much of anything anymore, Tavi."

[okteiviakom]

Well, would you look at that?

It hurt.

"Is this because I said it'd be safer with Lucifer, earlier?" Octavia asked, staring at him. "Because I meant -- meant a really specific thing. I didn't mean anything outside of that."

And when he'd gone back to questions about safety, especially in the context of when he'd been talking about just before, well...

[betterthanaplan]

"I -- a little, maybe?" Duke shook his head. "Luce and I blow up, and then we talk. You and I . . . I tiptoe on eggshells hoping not to screw it up. I know you love me, but -- I'm not always very certain that you like me anymore."

[okteiviakom]

"What the fuck, Duke?"

It was out of her mouth before she had time to think about it. Sounded a little strangled, like some if not even all the air had been punched out of her lungs.

This hurt worse.

[betterthanaplan]

"I'm sure it's my fault," he said, shaking his head. "It usually is. Like -- making you uncomfortable earlier by making it all about me." Fuck, was he doing that again? "It's like every word out of my mouth is the wrong one. So I shut up, and then you get mad about that. . . ."

He groaned, rubbing his forehead.

"I wanted these date nights to help us get closer. But all we do is -- is misunderstand each other. And I don't know how to fix it."

[okteiviakom]

He was sort of doing it again. And with a side of assigning Octavia some responses she didn't entirely recognize.

But that wasn't actually what she was taking away from listening to him. At least, when she gave it a beat and a slow inhale.

"Duke," she said, "when's the last time you saw your therapist?"

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shut his eyes, looking away with a sigh.

"It's been awhile," he admitted. "I didn't really have the energy for it and now -- I want to fix things with you guys. That's what I'm focused on right now."

[okteiviakom]

"And what if therapy is a part of that?" Octavia asked.

It only came out a little pointed.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke shook his head, leaning forward to rest his face in his hands. He rubbed at his eyes, his fingers coming away damp.

"That's not." He huffed in a long breath. "I'm not going to say that you're not right, because you probably are. But Tavi. I'm trying to talk to you and you're telling me to talk to someone else. Do you see where that kind of thing makes it hard for me to know where we stand?"

[okteiviakom]

"I'm telling you this because I care," Octavia replied. When had they let go of each other's hands? She didn't know. "And because I've put in that work, and even with it I'm clearly failing."

[betterthanaplan]

"It feels like everything I try to do just hurts you. I try to get things right, and I hurt you. I try to tell you about me and Luce, and -- and I hurt you." He stood up. Not to walk away, just to pace. "I tried to handle Audrey showing up here the way you and Luce would want me to, and you ended up troubled. And now you spend all your time walking around town and not -- not talking to me. And I don't even really know if that's new because I spent the entire fucking summer in bed and I don't. I don't know anything anymore. Except that I keep hurting you and I hate it."

[okteiviakom]

He was really not making a great case for not needing to get back to therapy soon, here.

"Could try not assigning me feelings," Octavia noted, a little flatly, watching him pace. "Uncomfortable and hurt are two different things. If you were hurting me like that, you would not be getting away with it."

[betterthanaplan]

He wasn’t actually trying to argue that. He planned to make a call in the morning.

But he’d started this now, and it needed to come out.

“You won’t tell me what’s going on with you. Even when I ask.” A flick of that uncomfortable smile. “You haven’t actually said yet. What I might do that makes you feel safe.”

If he were to guess right now, he’d figure it was “nothing”. (And the way he was ranting — well. He knew this wasn’t really helping.)

[okteiviakom]

"Because it's a question that doesn't have the kind of answer you're looking for," she objected. "Because it's a question that -- it assumes that there's something you need to be doing. It assumes I feel unsafe with you if you're not doing it."

And with how heated her tone was getting? She took offense to that.

"If you made me feel unsafe if you weren't performing some action, then I would just not be with you."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke could barely comprehend living a life where he didn’t feel vaguely unsafe most of the time.

He wasn’t anywhere near processing that, or what it said about him, to explain any of it. Instead, all he had was a helpless “Why couldn’t you have just said that ten minutes ago?”

[okteiviakom]

"I thought I did."

Well.

She'd implied it, anyway.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke gave a rough chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck.

“You might’ve noticed: I’m pretty dense about this stuff. You have to actually say it. Especially right now.”

[okteiviakom]

"I thought I was," Octavia repeated. "I'm doing the best that I can, but I can't answer questions I don't fully understand."

Though of course now she was getting that awful sinking feeling of what this all said about how he parsed safety, and how that reflected on the relationship they'd been in for years.