Lucifer's Mansion, Sunday Night

[okteiviakom]

As requested, date night dinner had been Thai, and delicious. And dessert, right now, also delivered on both because it was banana roti.

And yet, Octavia could barely focus on it at all. Because of a talk, earlier in the week, there was... an anticipation, here. Still a little vague, still only mostly-but-not-entirely certain. Just hanging over the scene at the table, unspoken of but present.

About half of Octavia's serving of roti was still there, though rapidly vanishing. "You can really taste the banana."

[ooc: For that guy, and likely NSFW-bound.]

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[my_own_advocate]

"Shame?" Lucifer asked quietly. "Oh, love..."

His fingers trailed along her jaw.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shrugged, faintly. She was looking away again. "I guess it's just," she tried, "just that no one's supposed to have seen me like that. No one's supposed to see me... grovel, except you."

Because he was safe.

"And no one's definitely supposed to know I can get off on it."

That was where the shame came in, unsurprisingly.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"You know you don't owe anyone anything about this," he said softly. "Right?"

[okteiviakom]

"Half of me knows?"

That half was having a hell of a time convincing the rest of her, though.

[my_own_advocate]

"And who's the other half?" Lucifer murmured.

[okteiviakom]

"The half carrying all the shame."

[my_own_advocate]

"The half who wants punishment?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's voice went even quieter.

"I guess."

There tended to be shame involved when he gave it to her, too. But she got something out of that shame, then. The current kind didn't serve her at all.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer took a deep breath.

He leaned in and kissed her nose. "You don't deserve to live with so much shame."

[okteiviakom]

"Don't I?" Octavia muttered. "Are you sure?"

[my_own_advocate]

"Yes," Lucifer said softly.

[okteiviakom]

"Why?"

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer toyed gently with her hair, fussing over a loose strand or two. "Because there should not be shame in pursuing your desires," he said. "Especially not for you, who faced so much hardship that tried to take from you the ability to desire at all."

His knuckles traced over her cheek. "You're so terribly brave, and terribly strong."

[okteiviakom]

There was an attempted wryness to Octavia's gaze as it flicked to meet his again.

"Even though I can't brave..." What was it he'd said? "Throwing myself at your feet?"

[my_own_advocate]

"You've never thrown yourself at my feet. It's not your style," Lucifer murmured. "When you are in that place, you want to be tamed. Punished."

He took in all the curves and lines of her face. "But when you feel as unsafe as you have, opening yourself up to desire again at all takes courage. It matters less what shape that takes."

[okteiviakom]

"It feels like it matters to me," Octavia murmured.

But maybe that was just her being impatient with herself.

[my_own_advocate]

"That's all right," Lucifer said quietly. "Do you want it to matter to me?"

[okteiviakom]

"Does that --"

She really didn't want to ask if that mattered, because that just sounded like it would be confusing.

Okay, rephrase.

"It feels kind of pointless to have an opinion on that," she settled on. "Either it matters to you, or it doesn't."

[my_own_advocate]

"It matters if we're going to talk about it," Lucifer said quietly. "So neither of us runs roughshod over each other."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shifted a little, trying to bury her face in his neck.

"I'm not even sure what we're talking about anymore," she muttered.

[my_own_advocate]

"Whether it matters that you can't be everything you used to be right now, I think," Lucifer said, his arms tightening around her.

[okteiviakom]

God, that felt good. Octavia burrowed further, pressed in closer.

"I just wish I could be."

Yeah, everyone knew that, Tavi.

[my_own_advocate]

"One step at a time, niron," Lucifer murmured. "And you made some rather big ones today."

[okteiviakom]

"I know," Octavia muttered. "I just... miss being free."

[my_own_advocate]

"You will be again," Lucifer said softly. "After all this, I'm sure of it."