MCA #9, So Early Sunday Morning It's Practically Still Saturday

[okteiviakom]

Octavia should've probably expected this. So far, her nights had been ones of dreamless, exhausted sleep. But nothing lasted forever, especially once the initial shock of being here instead of there wore off.

They were relatively simple images. It was Helios, galloping in a wild panic through the woods. It was Indra, being killed in battle.

It was Lincoln, suffering Death by a Thousand Cuts.

She woke up crying. It took her by such a surprise that it took her a moment to realize she was also close to hyperventilating, and she sat up on the couch, trying to get herself under control. Trying to breathe and trying to stop crying.

Or at least trying to keep herself quiet. But it wasn't going very well.

[ooc: For that guy that lives here.]

Comments

[notgetkilled]

At first, he thought it was a dream. He heard screaming there all the time, screaming from Clarke, from Octavia, from Raven, from everyone. They screamed and he reached but he never got to them.

But he realized this screaming was different. It was closer. He shot up out of bed, disoriented and frozen. When he realized it was Octavia screaming, he finally got himself moving, sleep slow and rubbing at his eyes.

"Octavia," he mumbled, moving into her room. "Octavia, what's wrong?"

[okteiviakom]

Well, shit. Octavia tried wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. It was a futile attempt: her eyes were read and her cheeks were wet and her nose was full of snot, and the tears just kept coming.

She gasped a big breath, like that would help. "Nothing." It didn't sound convincing. "Go back to bed, Bel."

[notgetkilled]

Bellamy glared at her before disappearing. He wasn't going back to bed, though. In fact, he was grabbing some toilet tissue and reappearing to pass it to her before sitting down on the bed.

"No." He shook his head. "I wasn't sleeping well anyway."

[okteiviakom]

"I'm fine," Octavia insisted, even if the way her voice was heavy with the tears made it pretty weak. It was a knee-jerk reaction. She didn't need protecting, remember? Nor support.

Still took the tissues, though. Blew her nose, tried to wipe at some of the tears.

[notgetkilled]

"Is there a reason why you're lying to me?" Bellamy asked, frowning. "And don't say you're not lying, we both know you are."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia skipped answering that question. Either the answer was too obvious, or too painful to admit. Either way, not worth stating out loud.

She was quiet for a long moment, catching her breath and looking down at her lap. Wringing the soggy paper between her fingers.

Eventually, evenly – or as evenly as she managed – she said, "I left people behind."

[notgetkilled]

"Okay." He nodded once. "It's not your fault. Coming here, it's not stoppable. I don't know how but it's not your fault, O. You gotta realize that."

[okteiviakom]

"You don't understand."

Octavia shook her head. She could feel a sob coming, but she steeled herself against it, kept it at bay. Just sniffed, before finally looking over at Bellamy.

"I loved him."

[notgetkilled]

Scowling, Bellamy wanted to yell at her, to tell her that he would understand. That he'd been here for over a year so he knew all too well what it felt like.

He reigned himself in and took a breath. "I'm sorry. What happened?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia bristled at catching that scowl, though. She shouldn't have, but it was too early in the morning to be reasonable. At least without bumps in the road.

She pursed her lips and looked down. "Never mind. Forget it."

[notgetkilled]

"Octavia," he said, frowning. "You woke up screaming. You're still crying. Tell me what's wrong. Please."

[okteiviakom]

She took her turn to scowl at him. "I just did."

Well, she was partly correct? The fact that she'd loved someone was a big factor. And admitting it was... not insignificant, in its own right.

[notgetkilled]

"Is that all of it?" Bellamy asked, raising an eyebrow. "You loved him."

He could guess who the 'him' was.

"But, what else?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia kept scowling at him. "You say that like it's nothing." Like she'd ever had anyone to love outside of her family before. But at least she was talking, now.

"I had people, Bellamy," she said. "I was almost accepted into something, I almost felt like I could belong."

[notgetkilled]

"I'm not saying it like it's nothing," Bellamy said, shaking his head. "I just don't know how else to say it! I haven't been around. I don't know what's going on and I'm trying to understand. Cut me a break. I'm trying."

[okteiviakom]

"Everyone's trying," Octavia said darkly, wiping at one eye. Her eyes were red, and stinging.

She sighed. "I became a Grounder. Ai laik Okteivia kom Trigedakru." Should've been past tense but she could't bring herself to use it. Made no difference to him anyway. "I proved my worth. I was Second to a Chief, Indra."

[notgetkilled]

"A Grounder?: Bellamy repeated, eyes widening. "O, that's...that's different."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia sniffed. "Skaikru didn't really feel like home."

As probably evident from not calling them 'our people'. Or even 'Sky People'.

[notgetkilled]

"How did that happen?" Bellamy asked her quietly. "The last time I saw you, that wasn't really a thing. I've been gone awhile. Fill me in."

[okteiviakom]

"A Grounder saved my life," Octavia replied. Her voice was quiet, her tone a little on the flat side.

She was trying to steel herself again. This time, for talking about Lincoln. She'd tried so hard not to think about him. "In fact, he saved all our lives. And we repaid him with torture."

[notgetkilled]

Bellamy took a breath and nodded. There was something rankling him about this, about what she was saying. He wanted to be pissy about her sounding like she was blaming him but he held himself back.

"It was hard to tell enemy from friend those first few days," he said. "Mistakes were made."

[okteiviakom]

He was a convenient and unfair target to place blame on. But she wasn't trying to do that. At least she didn't think so.

"I guess," she said mildly. "He saved me again when the Trigedakru attacked the camp. I was hit with a poisoned arrow."

[notgetkilled]

Bellamy held back his obvious question on if she was okay. Physically, she was because she was here but he didn't want her to send him another withering look.

"Why did they attack us?" Bellamy asked. "Because of what happened with the Grounder?"

[okteiviakom]

"Because Skaikru invaded their land when we came from the sky," Octavia replied. "Because a rocket flare that was used to contact the Ark burned down a whole village."

It wasn't as if they didn't have reasons to attack.

"And yes, because of what happened with him."

[notgetkilled]

"A few of those things couldn't be helped. Weren't our fault," Bellamy said with a sigh. "But I can see how it might piss people off. For what it's worth, I wish it hadn't happened like that. Probably could have been done better."

[okteiviakom]

He'd been so good about trying to avoid the withering look earlier, and yet he got one anyway.

This one was for stating the obvious.

"Yes," she said. And then sighed, looking back down at her lap again. "His people turned on him too, for helping me, you know."

[notgetkilled]

"No, I didn't know. That's why I'm asking you," Bellamy said, sighing. "I'm sorry all that shit happened. I'm sorry I wasn't there"

[okteiviakom]

"It wasn't your fault." She could see that much. "And I'm still alive."

That had to count for something.

[notgetkilled]

"You are," Bellamy said, nodding. "Should try and get some sleep. It's still early. Plenty of time before the sun comes up."

[okteiviakom]

"I don't feel like sleeping."

The image of Lincoln suffering, though faded, was still in her head. She didn't want to see it again.

She rubbed her eyes. "I might just go take a walk."

[notgetkilled]

"You know this place well enough to not get lost?" Bellamy asked, eyeing her skeptically.

[okteiviakom]

"It's an island," Octavia sighed, like she might have rolled her eyes if she'd had more energy. "It's not like there's any place on this rock I can go and not find my way back if I just follow the coast."

[notgetkilled]

"Just don't go for a swim," Bellamy teased lightly. "Do you know how to swim? I don't think they have lifeguards out there and I'm too tired to come out and save you."

[okteiviakom]

"I know how to swim."

Thank Lincoln.

She reached out for his hand.

"I'm not going in the water at night."

[notgetkilled]

"Do you need a phone?" Bellamy asked her, tilting his head and curling his fingers around hers. "I can let you use mine."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia shrugged, vaguely. "What would I need it for?"

She didn't really know anyone but him.

[notgetkilled]

"Take pictures?" Bellamy shrugged. "It would make me feel better if you took it with you, okay?"

[okteiviakom]

Octavia gave his fingers a squeeze. "Okay, big brother," she said. She didn't think she'd need it for anything, but she wanted to ease his mind. "But I don't need protecting."

Still wanted to say that, too, just to say it.

[notgetkilled]

"I know," Bellamy said even if he thought otherwise. "I'm not going to go with you. You can do it on your own. See, not protecting you."

[okteiviakom]

He was in for a shock, come next island invasion.

But now, Octavia just pointed out, "You'd be allowed with me." She gave his hand another squeeze, then let it go so she could push herself up and onto her feet. "Just no protecting."

[notgetkilled]

"Thanks but I think I wanna sleep," he said, shrugging. "I don't know if I'd be any good walking around this early. Gotten a little soft now that they've given me a bed and stuff."

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was definitely judging him. Silently. And no, not for coming with her. For getting soft.

Or maybe she was just briefly jealous that he'd had the option.

But she wasn't going to tell him that. Just like so many other things, it wasn't actually his fault. "I'll be fine," she said instead.

[notgetkilled]

"Okay," Bellamy said, ignoring her judging looks and getting to his feet. "Don't stay out too long."

[okteiviakom]

"I won't."

And she meant it. The last thing she wanted was to cause him worry. There'd been enough of that over the last year.