The Samsara, Port of Fandom, Saturday Morning

[okteiviakom]

Last night had been okay. The margaritas had been tasty, and Octavia had acquiesced to Lucifer's request of not letting him go home alone by dragging him back to her boat with her at the end of the night. She'd passed out hard not too long after because, again, tasty margaritas.

Of course, now it was morning, and she was finally stirring again.

And the muffled little groan was almost immediate.

Goddamn margaritas.

[ooc: For the Devil, unless the neighbour wants to drop by too! ETA: NSFW downthread!]

Comments

[okteiviakom]

"I know." That was more of a sigh than anything. "Let me do it anyway."

[my_own_advocate]

"If you insist."

[okteiviakom]

"I do."

Her fingers were just brushing back and forth against his shoulder now, and she was watching them move.

"Last time, here... That was good, too."

[my_own_advocate]

"Quite different," Lucifer mused, relaxing a bit against the pillow. "But still good, yes."

[okteiviakom]

"I still don't understand it."

Maybe she was overthinking again.

(Or maybe, you know, the crying jag that followed had kind of thrown her off.)

[my_own_advocate]

"Do you want to tell me how you felt at the time?" Lucifer asked, his hand sliding up to play with her hair.

[okteiviakom]

"During or after?"

Those were two distinct things. But she was mostly asking just as a tool for gathering her thoughts.

[my_own_advocate]

"Let's start with during," Lucifer murmured.

[okteiviakom]

"Angry," Octavia muttered, after a moment. "Only -- not really? Or like a part of me was. Whatever part it is that really just... doesn't want to have anyone decide anything for me."

Or to bow to anyone.

[my_own_advocate]

"But you still let me," Lucifer said, his fingertips skimming along her cheek.

[okteiviakom]

"Maybe that part's not in charge."

Anymore.

Nou Blodreina nawe.

"It felt like letting you and not letting you at the same time."

[my_own_advocate]

"Until the end," Lucifer mused.

[okteiviakom]

"I don't know," Octavia muttered, turning her face a little more against his chest, with a sigh. "Nothing holds me like that."

Bound her like that.

[my_own_advocate]

"You are rather strong," Lucifer said softly. "Perhaps you were trying to figure out which way you wanted to go..."

[okteiviakom]

"Maybe another part just wanted to be made to feel small."

Oh, that was quiet.

[my_own_advocate]

"Oh," Lucifer said softly.

When had he started petting her hair? Somewhere halfway into that sentence.

[okteiviakom]

That was a welcome thing.

"And there's not a lot that can do that," Octavia said. "In a way that feels real. So maybe it... saw something that could, and grabbed onto that."

This was some A+ distancing herself from her own feelings. But sometimes that was an easier way to sort through them.

[my_own_advocate]

"You seemed like you'd needed it," Lucifer mused, glancing up at the ceiling. "Afterward."

[okteiviakom]

"Mmm."

She let that hum just sit there, alone, for a moment.

"I did, didn't I?"

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer glanced down at her.

"Like you'd needed it for a while," he said slowly.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia's eyes were open, but she was very deliberately not looking up at him.

"I felt lighter."

Somehow that felt like the weirdest part.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer hummed softly. "Being in control all of the time can be a heavy burden," he said.

[okteiviakom]

"Thought I gave that up on my last day on the Ground," Octavia muttered, "when I knelt for the new commander."

But she really hadn't, had she? After she'd landed back in Fandom, she'd kept trying to hold herself in because she was the only thing she could really control anymore.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer made a soft noise of acknowledgement, and leaned forward to press a kiss to the top of her head.

[okteiviakom]

Octavia was just keeping her voice very, very quiet now.

"I don't think the angry part likes that I want to do it again."

Or that it felt like something right on the edge of a want and a need.